Crap Cosmo Says

If you enjoy reading Cosmopolitan magazine, this blog entry is not for you. Warning: snark ahead.

I got the idea for this post because on the popular forum website, Reddit, there is a whole subreddit devoted to pointing out the glaring absurdities and other weird things in the popular woman’s magazine, Cosmopolitan, and its website that make you say, “WTF?”

Some of the stuff is funny, like these images from Cosmo’s website…one page puts a plant on their list of “Hilariously Bad Christmas Gifts,” another page describes a mini-garden as “The Gift That Changed my Life.” …So what are plant gifts? Hilariously bad, or life-changing?

Other stuff is downright insulting, like this article in Cosmo UK about making a man a manket – “man blanket,” or a man that acts as your security blanket. A manket is apparently the guy you can flirt with when you’re feeling bad, but who you don’t actually want to date. He’s just there to boost your ego.

Um. Yeah. Hey, Cosmo…don’t objectify men.

I discovered r/shitcosmosays yesterday and have spent several minutes browsing various ridiculous posts. I found this post and decided I wanted to share it – and my own commentary – with you all.

This Cosmo article is about the “Manic Pixie Dream Girl,” (MPDG). Apparently, Cosmo wants its readers to be inspired by the personality of MPDGs so that they, too, can be spirited, care-free and most importantly entertaining to men.

I Googled “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” and found this description on Wikipedia (bolded emphasis mine):

 Film critic Nathan Rabin, who coined the term after seeing Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtown (2005), describes the MPDG as “that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.”^[1] MPDGs are said to help their men without pursuing their own happiness, and such characters never grow up, thus their men never grow up.

Great. So, women should aspire to model their personalities after RomCom archetypes. Characters that exist “solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors.” Because, you know, what happens in films like “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” and “Sweet Home Alabama” really play out in real life.

I have not read the entire article, just this little snippet here. Notice that above the pink text, the article is actually naming MPDG characters in movies. I don’t know the exact context, but it seems Cosmo is telling women to use these fictional characters as inspiration for their real-life personalities.

I mean, inspiration is one thing. But women need to realize that movies and real life are completely different territories.

Ok. Now, the pink text. Let’s annotate it.

Here’s how to spot her:

(How to spot the MPDG)

She is free-spirited.

Ok, sounds fine so far. Everyone can use some free-spiritedness.

She is FUN AND WILD!!!!

The unnecessary caps are kind of annoying, but I’m willing to let it slide. However the four exclamation points is definitely overkill. Did the person who wrote this article have an education in journalism? Or at the very least, punctuation basics?

She is beautiful, but doesn’t know it.

Humility is a good thing. I’m assuming that’s what they mean. If you are beautiful, be humble about it, don’t literally feign ignorance by saying “Aaaahhh I’m sooo ugly!”

She is cute, and often “girlie.”

Why is girlie in quotation marks? That’s sometimes meant to denote a word that’s not actually a word, but Cosmo has already made it clear in point two that they don’t care too much for grammar, spelling and punctuation rules.

She is quirky, with unique habits like collecting nail clippings or ferrets.

Woah. Woah. Woah. Hold the phone. Please, women reading this article, don’t go out and start collecting NAIL CLIPPINGS or ferrets in your pursuit to be the MPDG.

The mention of “quirky” totally reminded me of this SNL skit – “Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel.”

She is emotionally enigmatic.

So it’s difficult to tell what her emotions are? I can just picture the scene:

Guy: What’s wrong?
MPDG: Ooooh, nothing…*sigh*…*cries*
Guy: Seriously, what’s the matter?
MPDG: NOTHING I’M FINE!

From what I’ve experienced, guys (hell, people in general) hate that. Be upfront!

She commits small crimes, but it’s deemed adorable.

Really? Really. “You shoplifted that purse? How cute!” Said no one ever.
Again, women reading this article – DO NOT start committing misdemeanors in order to become a MPDG. It might work in the movies. In real life, you’ll get a fine or something else. And that ain’t cute. Your local police and/or city government, by the way, won’t give a damn if you’re an adorable little MPDG. You do the crime, you do the time. Or pay the money. Whatever.

She is blissfully unaware of men’s intentions, and breaks many hearts.

Well I’m not surprised Cosmo is making playing with men’s emotions sound cute. I mean, they wrote that horrendous manket article that I mentioned earlier.

She makes lemonade and Twix pancakes for breakfast.

Is the MPDG five years old?

And then below the pink text, Cosmo delves into why women should strive to be a MPDG – she attracts MEN, of course! Isn’t that the end-all, be-all in life?

The line, “She makes him…really love acting as a kind of romantic jumper lead.” Because that’s just what real life is – acting roles, like life is one big movie.

I did not mean for this post to be malicious. I believe that Cosmo often conveys negative messages to women and I want to point those messages out in all their negativity. Stop and think before you read. Just because it’s printed in Cosmo doesn’t mean it’s legit or a good idea.